Let me tell you a story - an ongoing one and one that will feature throughout this blog. It's not a story full of doom 'n' gloom. And by the same token it's not about some sort of "heroic overcoming of impossible odds" or something. Nope, definitely not. It's just about me - me and my "constant companion", Chronic Pain.
Chronic Pain is defined as when one experiences "pain on most days for three months". That's it, a plain, simple statement, a definition of fact. But pain is much more than that, and I know...
I was knocked off my bicycle just downhill of St Luke's Cross at the top of Summer Hill North in Cork, Ireland, about 3:50pm on the 4th June, 1986. I've barely had a pain-free day since.
It turned out that my 5th lumbar vertebra had cracked in that tumble, but I didn't discover this until 1994, eight years later, when I finally met an orthopedic surgeon in London who took me seriously and ordered some proper investigation. But despite a spinal fusion operation, and another to remove some of the metalwork in 1998, despite endless physio, chiropractory, osteopathy, facet joint injections, arthograms, epidurals, pain management sessions, counseling, I'm still still feeling the effects of that day in June so long ago...
"Pain for most days for three months." That's what chronic pain is apparently. But after 23 years of pain I know different, so let me tell you what it really is.
It's a thing, a real, separate thing, a parasite that hangs off you, pulling you down, dragging, dragging, dragging, gnawing at you, whispering in your ear, feeding you shite til you believe that you're nothing, that you're worthless, that you're never gonna make it. It sucks the life out of you, robs you of your hopes, steals away your confidence bleeds you dry until you lie there and you dream...
...how great it would be if Life would just... let you go...
Pain is truly awful. It's in your mind, it's in your bones, it's in your muscles, your skin, your back, your, neck, your arms, legs, insides - it's in your entire being. Worst of all it's invisible. When it's acute it makes you cry out, makes you groan, makes you think 'fuck not again...' When its not, it's an ache that's even worse. It's just 'there' - all of the time. You can ignore it, distract yourself from it, medicate it. But you can't get rid of it. All you can do is acknowledge it and try and get on. But close your eyes and there it is, lurking unseen by the outside world, hidden from view. Hidden from the boss, from the guy on that bus seat, from the checkout girl, from your friends, your family, hidden even from your lover.
And it stays hidden. Hidden because, until there's more recognition, and appreciation, for its debilitating effects, it has to. Who can possibly ask a boss to lighten a workload because a pain flareup is making concentration impossible? When on a bus, who can ask for a seat when there's no sign of the agony within? It has to stay hidden - society doesn't recognize what never-ending pain means.
Those that know me well try and remember, try to keep my physical state in mind. But it's hard for them, hard to understand, hard to constantly remember - we've all got our own lives, right? So you say nothing when someone suggests bowling, and you live with it - Pain, the constant companion - and you do your best to get up in the morning and get through another day.
And days do go by. Lots of them. Thousands of them. Until eventually you come to realize that there's really no cure, just methods of coping.
I started this blog thinking I'd try and share my thoughts and experiences of my Constant Companion. Who knows, maybe I'll help someone someday. I don't know what'll happen, or what I'll write, but it'll all be from inside me, and despite everything, that's actually still a good place.
A lot of times it might read like I'm ranting - and maybe I will be, needing, as I sometimes do, a way of blowing off steam. But I hope you'll stay with it so you'll see that in spite of everything it throws at you, Life is still funny, challenging, joyful even.
I don't have a 'method' that I'm aware of for dealing with pain, but what I do know I'm going to share. There's so many people suffering like me that I know someone, somewhere, will stumble on my musings and find solace in them. I know that when I found others in the same boat as me, it was a huge release. If you're a person struggling alone with your own Companion, take my hand - you're with me now kiddo, you're not alone any more.
Pain, my constant companion. This is my story. Let's see where we go.
